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Angst Grips Washington! Part 1
In separate but related events, both sides of Washington are drowning in a sea of anxiety. First, at the White House, President Clinton is not giving up the Presidency easily. Holed up in the First Commode since Tuesday, Clinton has refused to come out, using both locks on the First Commode Door. Seen here is First Lady Hillary at the First Back Door of the White House pleading for someone to help get him out. "All he has is enough Twinkies for a couple days. He won't survive! Please help us!" she was heard to scream. [from Fall 2000]

Angst Grips Washington! Part 2
Meanwhile President-elect George W fell apart in the arms of Colin Powell. The remote microphone, still on, recorded this:
GWB: I don't wanna... I don't wanna...
Powell: It's OK... It's OK... I'll be there. Dick will be there. Your dad can help. You have lots of friends. You won't have to do a thing.
GWB: But in my dreams I see dead people.
Powell: We told Al he's not invited over... And careful with the suit. It's Armani...
[from Fall 2000]

Surprise, New Book from LaHaye and Jenkinis..
Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins, riding on the coattails of their wildly successful End Times series, figured it's time to take on new adventures. Their first extra-lastdays endeavor, The Inswelling: The Feast Takes Possession lays out their helpful hints with regards to the culinary arts.
Some examples:

• That Inner Tube: The Mark of the Feast?
• Eating Healthy and Losing Weight on only 666 Calories a Day!
• Dragon's Meat Helper
• How to Feed 144,000 With No Clean Up!
• Cooking the Perfect Roast Beast
• The Best Restaurants in the New Jerusalem
• The S'more of Babylon (Tim's Fav!)

"We used the same cover as The Indwelling because that big guy on the cover looks like he's sleeping off a good meal," says Jenkins.

Click here for full image of the book.

Yabba Dabba Do!
IMAGES OF THE INFAMOUS PHLINTSTEIN CAVE PAINTINGS have finally been released to the public. Discovered in 1962 by young boys playing in caves near Burbank, CA, these drawings were mysteriously withheld from the public until now. Why? Presumably because they are evidence against the accepted scientific belief that dinosaurs predated humans by 65 million years. Ha! This picture clearly shows humans interacting with a dinosaur in a bizarre, as of yet undetermined, ritual.

We'd like to thank our friends at MYOPIA (My Opinion Is Absolute) Ministries for their relentless investigative work and diligence in getting this picture released so we can know the truth. ;)

Latter-day Players
Not to be outdone by those "born-agains," those LDSers are at it again.

"We figured if those Christians can cash in on corporate logos, so can we!" says Elder Jared Joseph Smith, president of Descendants of Joseph Smith, the world's largest known club according to Guiness.

"We saw how Christian companies were making a lot of money by reworking popular sayings and company trademarks. It doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to do that, and... well... we don't have a whole lot of imagination. But we do want that easy money!" he said with a smile.

"We do have limits, though. You won't be seeing us stealing... err.... borrowing logos from CocaCola or Pepsi. That would promote caffeine, and that would be sin."

Elder Smith and family are working now on a wordplay based on personal ads. It says: SWM looking for lots of SWF.