Things to Show that World That Christians Can Live on the Edge, Too!!!

gleaned from the Internet

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your email address is Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
4) Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put a garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with "That's what you think."
10) Finish all sentences with "in accordance with prophecy."
11) Don't use any punctuation
12) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
17) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
18) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "They're loose! They're loose!!!"
21) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that are bothering me. It's the voices in your head that do."
22) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Ten Things to Really Like About Christian TV

Kyle Minor
The Door Magazine

#10 Everyone seems so genuine.
#9 The production values are so much better than that network stuff.
#8 The theological clarity of the guests help me to understand the Bible better.
#7 The music is just amazing.
#6 The game shows, especially Bible Trivia, help me to remember important facts, like the age of Abraham's wife when she had Isaac.
#5 The merchandise for sale during the commercial breaks helps me to share my faith with my friends. Especially the Christian T-shirts and the Christian candy and the Christian phone calling card.
#4 Two words: eye shadow. I get the best makeup tips!
#3 The scrolling words at the bottom of the screen really help me keep in contact with what's going on in the Christian community.
#2 The variety shows, especially Swan's Place, are good, old-time entertainment, free of anything offensive, including humor, bad language, unbiblical portrayals of family life, witty satire, lustful objects of desire, and good writing.
#1 The way Christian TV is impacting the culture for Christ. I mean, everyone I run into at the supermarket says, "I used to think Christians were just a bunch of fakes who did things poorly and tried to exploit and profit off the weakest in the community. But then I saw TBN. Boy, was I wrong!"

True Stories!

Pirated from Ship of Fools

A Lutheran pastor was gaining momentum in the delivery of his sermon on the Devil's crafty attacks on the faithful. He meant to say: "and the devil's fiery darts," but to everyone's surprise, he uttered... "and the Devil's diary farts."

Taliban TV Guide


Kathy Harris-Zmudka
The Door Magazine
Note: This was done pre-9.11
taliban

Gene-Spliced Religions

Pete Court
The Door Magazine

As the debate rages over genetically altered foods, a whole new way of living is about to sweep the world as genetically modified religions come on the market. Here’s what will soon be offered:

The Salvation Amish
• Wear military-styled uniforms... with wooden buttons and sandals.
• Provide the homeless with shelter... in their barns.
• The soup kitchen is a large cauldron over an open fire.

Roman Baptists
• Communion everyday and a huge grape juice bill.
• Full-immersion confessionals.
• Lots of fragrance-free censers.

Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Scientologists
• Half the church follow a group of vacuous wannabe pop stars and the other half are fans of the British singing group.
• Cycling door-to-door singing obnoxious pop ditties.
• Men can marry as many ditsy British pop stars as they like. In the more liberal
wing, so can the women.

Assemblies of Goth
• Huge meeting halls, all blacked out, with masses of candelabras
• Heavy metal choruses sung 20 times by a choir dressed in black with heavy
white face paint and black eye shadow.
• All retreats are to ancient European castles or haunted houses.


HOPE
Another Christian T-Shirt We Never Want To See.
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Top 10 New Christian Computer Viruses

Shane Matsumoto
The Door Magazine

10) The Hugh Ross virus: The whole back of your computer breaks wide open revealing its complexity and design. The shiny-topped monitor attempts to explain what you see using a lot of big words. This virus is NO accident!

9) The Jan Crouch virus: Computer monitor suddenly grows five feet of purple hair, emits annoying, ear-piercing tones, and bounces up and down constantly.

8) Jesus Seminar virus: Calls the most liberal CPUs together, debates between them which files were really authored by you, uses colored beads for ballots, and then discards 93% of the files on your hard drive.

7) The Religious TV Ministry virus: Creates a talk show or preaching program on your hard drive and names it after itself.

6) The John Jacobs and the Power Team virus: Monitor smashes itself against bricks, wood, concrete, and slabs of ice for the glory of God.

5) The Real 2012 virus: The virus itself does nothing, but the world itself destroys itself out of fear and panic anticipating what they think the virus will do.

4) The TBN virus: Seeing itself as the messenger angel described in the Revelation, it holds a telethon to raise money to spread itself to every computer in the whole wide world!

3) The Word of Faith Evangelist virus: Promising prosperity, it breaks into your bank account and promptly drains it of all your assets.

2) The CCM (Contemporary Christian Music) virus: Finds a popular "secular" virus to imitate and then rides on the coattails of the counterpart's popularity while catering exclusively to the Christian subculture.

And finally...

1) The Benny Hinn virus: Infected computer tells you to stretch your hands to the monitor, then blows on you and yells, "TAKE IT!"

Proposed Sequence of Hal Lindsey Apocalyptic Bestsellers

Ed Wier
The Door Magazine

* The Late Great Planet Earth
* The Later, Greater Planet Earth
* The Latest, Greatest Planet of Them All
* Planet Earth: Overdue and Overdrawn
* Planet Earth's Last Stand
* Planet Earth: Still Kicking
* The Planet That Would Not Quit
* Fat Lady Mother Earth Is Singing
* Planet Earth on Life Support
* Pulling the Plug on Planet Earth
* Planet Earth: Remember When?
* The Never Ending Story of Planet Earth
* The Late Great Hal Lindsey

Some Good Ol' American Memory VersesJust the Way We Remember 'Em

Den Hart
The Door Magazine

Romans 12.2
Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your Mastercard.

Matthew 8.21
Another man, one of his disciples, said to Him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." And Jesus told him, "OK. No problem - it's just as well that you do that right now - I mean, I wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone."

Colossians 3.5
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Clothe yourselves, therefore, in successful business ventures, a good self-image, polyesters, and a deep tan.

Matthew 18.5
If a brother sins against you, go and tell someone else, but don't approach the brother about it. If he sins against you again, go and tell another person. And if he sins yet again, mention it to someone else, then drop a hint the brother. Sooner or later, he'll get the message. If not, leave the church and find somewhere else to go.

Luke 10.25-27
"Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your emotions, neglecting your mind, and love yourself first or you can't begin to love others."

Luke 18.22
When Jesus heard this, He said to them, "You still lack one thing - sell all you possess and give it to the poor... ha, ha, just kidding."

1 Corinthians 13.13
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is tongues.

True Stories!

Pirated from Ship of Fools

A young missionary stood in a packed Central African church for the first time. His French was not excellent. He had not distinguished between "arriere" (previous in time), from which the French derive "la vie en arriere" (one's life history), and "derriere" (behind in place), which also refers to your bottom. The young missionary's personal testimony of moving from darkness to light did not have the expected effect... instead, hundreds of African worshippers were squealing with laughter and falling into the aisles...

Lorsque je regarde derriere de moi, qu'est-ce que je peux voir? Je vois ma derriere – une derriere longue et grande. Je vois ma derriere separee en deux parties – l'une partie noire, et l'autre partie blanche. Et entre ces deux parties, qu'est-ce qu'il se trouve? Il se trouve entre les deux parties... une grande abime!

Quick translation into English...

When I look behind me, what can I see? I see my bottom... a great big, long bottom. I see my bottom divided into two halves – one black half and one white half. And what can one see between these two halves? A great abyss!
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