Live pure, Speak true, Right wrong, Follow the King
Church Bulletin Misprints
Yes you've seen these a million times on the web for the last several years but here are a lot of them in one spot without the letters "FW:" in front of them.
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
A telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome"
How Do We Know God Is a Man?
Dawn Abraham The Door Magazine
Because He had Noah build an ark with no windows. Because He never apologized for anything He ever did and He never said please or thank you. Because He always used floods and fire and smoke to get His point across. He never once said it with flowers. Because He always picked the boys for his teams. Because He turned water into wine. A woman would've turned it into chocolate. Because He was born in a barn. Because He wants ALL our attention ALL the time. Because He says He's GOD!
Another Christian T-Shirt We Never Want To See. x
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen is in Trouble
The Door Magazine
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 AM. 9. In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full KISS makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he says, "I hate thee!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "JebDaddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If we had electricity, I'd listen to rap." 4. You come across his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Police catch him doing 20 mph in a buggy with flames painted on the side.
And the #1 sign to worry that your Amish teenager is in trouble:
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
A Catholic Confusion
In an ancient monastery in a faraway place, a new monk arrived to join his brothers in copying books and scrolls in the monastery's scriptorium. He was assigned to be a replicator of books that had already been copied by the other monks.
One day, he asked Father Florian (the rather ancient head of the scriptorium), "Does not the copying by hand of other copies allow for error? How do we know we are not copying the mistakes of someone else? Are they ever checked against the original?" Fr. Florian was taken aback by the observation of this youthful monk.
"A very good point, my son. I will take one of the latest books down to the vault and compare it against the original."
Fr. Florian went down to the vault and began his verification. After a day had passed, the monks began to worry and went down looking for the old priest. They were sure something must have happened. As they approached the vault, they heard crying. When they opened the door, they found Fr. Florian sobbing over the new copy and the original ancient book, both of which were opened before him on the table. It was obvious to all that the poor man had been crying his heart out for a long time.
"What is the problem, Reverend Father?" asked one of the monks.
"No no no no," sobbed the priest. "In the ancient book of the sacred rites of priesthood...the word is *celebrate*."
One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" Those prints are large and round and neat, "But Lord, they are too big for human feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their buttprints in the sand."
Comparitive World Religions
A little lesson in comparative world religions based on the bumper sticker: "He who dies with the most toys wins" The Door Magazine
Capitalism: He who dies with most toys wins. Jehovah's Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door wins. Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins. Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins. Buddhism: He who dies with no toys wins. Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys goes straight to jail. Atheism: There is no toy maker. Polytheism: There are many toy makers. Evolutionism: The toys made themselves. Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals loses. Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. Islam: He who plays only with soldier toys wins. Anglican: They were our toys first. Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first. 7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday loses. Humanism: Let's the discuss the toy problem.