Live pure, Speak true, Right wrong, Follow the King
Another Christian T-Shirt We Never Want To See. x
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air. Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times. Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only. Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad. Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish. Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy. Lutheran: None. Lutherans don't believe in change. Amish: What's a light bulb?
Deep Spiritual Thoughts
by Randall F. West The Door Magazine 1. The '90's were "The Decade of Evangelism" in the Episcopal Church. So how come they have less people than when they started? 2. What language do the "King James Only" people speak at home? 3. Are back issues of Christianity Today, Christianity Yesterday? 4. If you break one of the Four Spiritual Laws, can you get a ticket? 5. Why do they call it "fasting" when it always goes so slowly? 6. Is a "God-shaped vacuum" an upright or a cannister?
The BC Letter
There once was an old lady; quite sensitive and always elegant in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation at a campground. She wrote for a reservation and wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped in terms of its bathroom facilities. She being so elegant and delicate didn't know how to write about something so gross as the toilet. Not being able to bring herself to write the word "toilet," she decided instead to use the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode." So she wrote out the whole letter using the term "bathroom commode." After reading it she decided that even that term was too crude and so she decided to abbreviate "bathroom commode" to "BC". So what she actually wrote was, "Does the campground have its own BC?"
Well the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he received the letter he couldn't figure out what she was writing about. This "BC" business stumped him. He then decided to show some of the campers and they couldn't imagine what the lady meant, either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be inquiring about the location of the nearest Baptist Church. So he sat down and wrote her the following reply:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground. It is capable of seating 250 people. I admit that that is quite a distance to go if you are in the habit of going regularly. But no doubt you'll be glad to know that a great deal of people take their lunches along. They make a day of it arriving early and staying late. The last time my wife and I went was 6 years ago. It was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time. I would like to say it pains me not to go more often, and it certainly is no lack of desire on my part, but as we grow older it seems more of an effort. Remember we want you to know that this is a friendly campground so, if you decide to come here, I'd be glad to go with you the first time. I'll sit with you and introduce you to all the other people.
Sincerely yours, The Owner
The Door Magazine Answers: * Jesus would drink wine with his dinner: red with steak; white, if He's a vegetarian. * Jesus would drive an old beat up Datsun over a BMW, but He'd probably take the bus. * Jesus would call a porn star, not a televangelist, to be a disciple. * Jesus would never wear a diamond-studded cross or gold crown-of-thorns ring. * Jesus would not live in either Beverly Hills or Martha's Vineyard - He'd probably hang out in the Salvation Army homeless shelters. (He would visit the Pennsylvania Dutch country from time to time, though.) * Jesus would be a Cub's fan.