HYMNS -- The Way We'd Sing Them (if we were honest)

The Door Magazine

1. I Surrender, Some
2. There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
3. Fill My Spoon, Lord
4. Oh, How I Like Jesus
5. He's Quite a Bit to Me
6. I Love to Talk About Telling the Story
7. Take My Life and Let Me Be
8. It Is My Secret What God Can Do
9. There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
10. Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following

11. Just As I Pretend to Be
12. When the Saints Go Sneaking In
13. Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
14. A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
15. Self-Esteem to the World, The Lord Is Come
16. Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
17. Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
18. Go Tell It on the Speed Bump
19. Special, Special, Special
20. Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word

21. Praise God From Whom All Affirmations Flow
22. My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
23. O, God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
24. I Lay My Inappropriate Behavior on Jesus
25. Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
26. All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
27. When Peace, Like a Trickle
28. I'm Fairly Certain that My Redeemer Lives
29. We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
30. What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus

31. My Faith Looks Around for Thee
32. Joyful, Joyful We Think Thee Pretty Good
33. Blessed Hunch
34. Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
35. We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
36. Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
37. Blest Be the Tie that Doesn't Cramp My Style

Another Christian (Clothing) We Never Want To See.

You know you're in California when:

[OK, this isn't "religious," but we're in California, so we put it here anyway.]

  • Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
    • You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
    • You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
    • Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
    • You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
    • You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
    • You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
    • A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
    • A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
    • Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
    • A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
    • Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
    • Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
    • It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2011."
    • You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.
    • It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
    • Both you AND your dog have a therapist.

Zen HotDog

The Door Magazine

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says: "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

The Preacher and His Horse

A preacher went to the stables to buy a horse. The stable owner chose a beautiful bay horse and brought it over to the preacher. The stable owner said, "This horse is just perfect for you. This beautiful mare was raised by another preacher and the commands that this horse obeys would be very appropriate for you. For giddi-up you say, "PRAISE GOD," and to stop you say, "AMEN."

The preacher was very pleased so he bought the horse and rode it home. On the way he crossed a meadow. His excitement at the beauty of the scene was overwhelming and he said "PRAISE GOD" and the horse galloped across toward some hills. He maintained his speed going up the hill and then he saw a cliff! "What was I supposed to say to stop?? What? What? What? Oh yes! AMEN!! AMEN!"

The horse stopped at the very edge of a cliff. The preacher wiped the sweat off his brow said, "PRAISE GOD"!!

There are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Mormons do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Karma Cafe

From Reader's Digest
specifically Jan Veder
Slogan for a now out-of-business restaurant in Carmel, CA: "Karma Cafe - We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."

Nun Nurse

The Door Magazine
author unknown
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you are probably the dog.


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